


Because second best is good enough

by AnnaFan



Category: The Lord of the Rings - All Media Types
Genre: Anthropological reflections on LaCE, Crack, F/M, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Very Silly Indeed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:55:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6290707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnaFan/pseuds/AnnaFan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Have you ever wondered why Middle Earth isn't wall-to-wall Elflings?  My headcanon is that Elves can control when they conceive.  But Tolkien of course has Laws and Customs of the Eldar, which is basically Vatican II for Elves:  Elves don't have sex until they marry, once married do so for as long as it takes them to complete their families, then they turn their thoughts to higher things for the rest of eternity.  This has always struck me as a tad implausible.  So... it was a dark and stormy night in Meduseld...</p>
<p>(With thanks to Queef Queen for the madcap conversation that sparked this idea in the first place.  They have a similar headcanon, albeit with a more fully worked out underlying mechanism for on-demand-conception, involving a somewhat unlilkely physiological similarity between female Elves and female llamas!)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Because second best is good enough

The beautiful blonde shieldmaiden felt a pang of grief pierce her heart as she realised the terrible truth.

“Hot damn! He already has a girlfriend.”

As the evening wore on, however, her stricken heart and wounded pride (not to mention her yearningly unfulfilled loins) received salve from an unexpected quarter: she could see the ethereally beautiful blond elf prince who was her erstwhile love interest's BFF casting heated, erotically charged glances her way. Eventually, by a wordless mutual understanding, they left the Golden Hall together. Within moments, his lithe, muscular archer's physique had her pinned against the wall of her bedchamber as he kissed her with a fervent passion. Proud daughter of the house of Eorl that she was, it behoved her to check the morality of her actions before proceeding further.

“But I thought you and Gimli...”

“Fear not, I switch-hit, and we have an open relationship. He's probably shagging your brother right now,” the Elf breathed against her neck as his lips left a fiery trail along her collar-bone (where else?)

But not only was the beautiful shieldmaiden a deeply moral young woman who feared to interfere with other people's established relationships without first checking that the other partner would be cool about it, she was also (as befitted a shieldmaiden) a committed feminist who was up-to-date with latest American thinking on campus relationships and enthusiastic consent. Thus it was (as the Elf unlaced her bodice with a deftness born of millenia of experience) that she felt moved to utter the words, “But what about The Laws and Customs of the Eldar?”

The member of the Eldar currently unfastening his breeches with a view to freeing his Eldar member nuzzled her earlobe and whispered huskily, “Anthropology – or should that be Elfthropology – 101. No society bothers writing down a prohibition on some piece of behaviour unless a lot of the society are already engaging in precisely that behaviour.”

Her moral and feminist qualms assuaged, the shieldmaiden sighed deeply as their naked bodies finally made contact. “In that case – use me once...” She cast an eye over his chiselled, muscular torso, and added, “Or twice.”


End file.
